Every day, I get inflicted with fresh wounds either by family or friends. What hurts the most is a let down by childhood friends who have been more than family for me. Or rather whom I considered more than family. Yes, I agree a huge chasm has come in terms of emotional distances but there are a lot of beautiful memories and moments that were created during the growing years. I used to swear by those memories and moments.
Perhaps, people move on and outgrow these memories. Those moments too become meaningless to them. I met new friends and made new memories too but never ever forgot my old bonds and ties. A huge lesson learnt after I crossed my milestone. My heart not only sank but crashed when I heard my childhood friend is getting married. No! Correction here: I crashed because I got to know the news through a third party! It felt terrible to know that you are no longer important in XYZ's life that XYZ could have shared precious moments of meeting the prospective spouse then and later how XYZ decided to take the plunge to get married. When I was small, I had dreamt I would be a part of XYZ's life - a v v close pal. Sadly, I lost the opportunity over years. I realized I wasn't important enough in XYZ's life to be shared with - the bittersweet moments and relationships of their life! It felt sad that those moments and memories don't exist anymore for them. Worst is when family doesn't even sense you are down and felt badly let down after being told "only they are going for the wedding". Where was I in the decision making? My identity right then crumbled away in front of my eyes. I felt like a piece of neglected furniture - a useless accessory in the background of a "family" backdrop. My existence did not matter to anyone - my presence did not either! So, am I wrong in feeling bitter about being "left out"? Certainly not!
If people have decided to abandon old ties, I also can! I have an option - a choice. I just don't want to be a shadow in anyone's life anymore. I want to break all my cycles this year. I will live life on my terms. Also, I do not need a family that doesn't even consider me important enough to be a part of them. I always wondered as a kid if I was adopted or not. I felt like I was seeking attention.
But voila! In my 40th year, I got the golden awareness - FUCK the world, you are important for yourself. Let the world screw itself! Family isn't blood ties, neither is it friendship but it is kinship - people who stand by you in your toughest times and tell that they love u and will prefer you over any TOM, DICK/HARRY in this whole wide world!
I am burning all ties with "show" relationships - I don't need shadows in my life anymore. I need people who will stand by me unconditionally and make me a part of the smallest moments of their lives! You are right! I manifest attention and love for myself!
No comments:
Post a Comment