Hurts like hell!

 It's not even a betrayal. It's not even feeling bad. It's a feeling of being thrown from the cliff into the deep sea!

Do you think relationships are so shallow? Do they have an expiry date? It was an arrow that plunged through the heart!

Family, friends, cousins, acquaintances - all feel meaningless! All those whom I expected will stand besides me, left my side. 

Feels like a smokehouse that just got cleared of people and no one was there in the space. 

Smoke cleared, people too!

Wondering if my existence is a bane for everyone now. Wondering if I am so unimportant for people now. 

Just a major let down!

Wondering why does nobody wants me now.  Am I being punished? Or am I just being plain ignored? 

I feel insulted for having been scorned for my choices. Self respect labelled as arrogance. 

Childhood ties abandoning me. Just when I thought childhood was forever, it turned out to be my very end! The worst feeling is being let down by friends - with whom you grew up! I understand distances come in friendships but never imagined I would be devastated some day. It is a huge let down!

A plunge into the abyss!

A plunge into the deepest dungeons of time!

I don't know where all this is headed to, but I can't handle my emotions anymore! When I was younger, I had fears of death but never fear of being abandoned. Now, as I grow older, life has taught me harsh lessons - never to rely on anyone except myself. 

Years ago, I prayed for God to take me away from this world. I even tried going away myself. But God's whims: he refused to listen to me back then! Now I pray no more. I don't wish anything anymore!

Now I refuse to seek anyone. I don't seek friends or any soulmate too. 

I have decided to abandon all those who abandoned me when I needed them the most!

But it definitely hurts like hell!!

40 - the betrayal blues!

 Having turned 40 this year, I am feeling extra overwhelmed with emotions - a plethora of emotions like abandonment, sadness, fears and a sense of being unloved. I did turn up my self-love quotient higher this year, but it still hasn't healed my broken feelings and open wounds that get greener each day. 

Every day, I get inflicted with fresh wounds either by family or friends. What hurts the most is a let down by childhood friends who have been more than family for me. Or rather whom I considered more than family. Yes, I agree a huge chasm has come in terms of emotional distances but there are a lot of beautiful memories and moments that were created during the growing years. I used to swear by those memories and moments. 

Perhaps, people move on and outgrow these memories. Those moments too become meaningless to them. I met new friends and made new memories too but never ever forgot my old bonds and ties. A huge lesson learnt after I crossed my milestone. My heart not only sank but crashed when I heard my childhood friend is getting married. No! Correction here: I crashed because I got to know the news through a third party! It felt terrible to know that you are no longer important in XYZ's life that XYZ could have shared precious moments of meeting the prospective spouse then and later how XYZ decided to take the plunge to get married. When I was small, I had dreamt I would be a part of XYZ's life - a v v close pal. Sadly, I lost the opportunity over years. I realized I wasn't important enough in XYZ's life to be shared with - the bittersweet moments and relationships of their life! It felt sad that those moments and memories don't exist anymore for them. Worst is when family doesn't even sense you are down and felt badly let down after being told "only they are going for the wedding". Where was I in the decision making? My identity right then crumbled away in front of my eyes. I felt like a piece of neglected furniture - a useless accessory in the background of a "family" backdrop. My existence did not matter to anyone - my presence did not either! So, am I wrong in feeling bitter about being "left out"? Certainly not! 

If people have decided to abandon old ties, I also can! I have an option - a choice. I just don't want to be a shadow in anyone's life anymore. I want to break all my cycles this year. I will live life on my terms. Also, I do not need a family that doesn't even consider me important enough to be a part of them. I always wondered as a kid if I was adopted or not. I felt like I was seeking attention. 

But voila! In my 40th year, I got the golden awareness - FUCK the world, you are important for yourself. Let the world screw itself! Family isn't blood ties, neither is it friendship but it is kinship - people who stand by you in your toughest times and tell that they love u and will prefer you over any TOM, DICK/HARRY in this whole wide world!

I am burning all ties with "show" relationships - I don't need shadows in my life anymore. I need people who will stand by me unconditionally and make me a part of the smallest moments of their lives! You are right! I manifest attention and love for myself!  

Her story

She is tired, ready to collapse. Her grief is gone unnoticed. All she wants are some loving arms who will hold her when she is about to fall, tell her she need not worry. She isn’t a failure yet she has been labelled one. No matter what she does, the tag of failure follows her everywhere. She badly wants to walk away from toxicity but it appears toxicity is drawn to her like a pair of magnets to iron. All she wants is a way out of her house…out into the open somewhere, where she will not be judged for what she isn’t! She wants to breathe. Yeah, you would say, she is alive ‘coz she is breathing. But her breathing is ragged, uneven. 

Her heart beats mechanically. Is she wrong in looking for a place to escape her grief or coping with her emotions? Doesn’t she deserve her space? If only her folks understood this, she would have healed faster! Their concept of healing is work. Work isn’t a solution to everything especially when it comes to base emotions. It cannot act like a cotton dab on the blood flowing out of the veins. It cannot be an insurance to emotions. She only wished her family understood this. She was dying a slow death daily. It was just gonna be a matter of time when she would crash somewhere never to wake up again.

How long do u think she was going to lug her baggage? How long do u think she was going to sustain this pressure. It was a matter of time – today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow? She was awaiting death with open arms but death wasn’t awaiting to embrace her! Her inner turmoils were to end soon and so she thought of a sharp knife and her veins. Her earlier attempts had made her withdraw at the last minute. She halted and paused! 

Each time, she went to sleep, she waited to go into a deep sleep (perhaps not wanting to wake up the next day). Her mind wasn’t equipped to handle this low. Life should have been rosy by now (the age). She dreamt of killing herself daily! Her heart was often extra loaded with lowly thoughts! This had to stop! Thoughts engulfed her daily…only time she was calm was at night. She had to prove she was strong. But why o why did she have to prove that? Why did she have to give daily reports on her “progress”? There were times she wanted to tell her parents to STOP! The name-calling had to end!

Her need to go into the deepest slumber was growing stronger each day! All she needed was a drip -  a vaccine to erase her worst memories!